As we finally enter into April, my initial shock over the coronavirus pandemic is lifting. The first week and a half or so, I had a weight on my chest, and my brain felt fogged over. This week I have felt more myself, clearer-headed, lighter-chested. But I have moved from initial overwhelm to the next phase: anticipatory anxiety.
And what’s anticipatory anxiety? It’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. We’ve got the pandemic (shoe one), and now we’re waiting to see who we know gets sick (shoe two). They are estimating several million people will be infected by this before we are done—what are the chances at least one of them isn’t in your circle of friends or family?
So now I am haunted with the waiting. As someone with anxiety disorder, this type of anxiety has always been my undoing. I am good in an actual crisis. Once I can see the enemy, know the parameters of the crisis, I’m good to go. It’s the waiting that unravels me. Because I see every possible path, and can follow each to the worst possible outcome. Over and over.
And so I lay in bed at night with the silent tears falling, and see so many futures I don’t want to see. What if I get sick? What if my husband and I both do, what happens to my daughter? What if my daughter gets sick and needs to be hospitalized? Will they let me go with her? What if one or both of my parents gets sick—especially if both of them do? Do I go to them, knowing it’s for the duration and I can’t come home?
Anticipatory anxiety. The other shoe.
Each day to come will be a lesson in patience, a lesson in seeking peace, a lesson in staying sane.
Stay safe, stay well, stay home.
The Waiting Game – CoronaLife Day 131
I don’t know about you, but I have gone through many times in my life where I feel like I am waiting for something—although a lot of times I didn’t know what. Just that feeling that something was going to happen. Like you are marking time.
I’m feeling like that this week, although this time I have a pretty good idea of what I am waiting for. There are long-term things: a coronavirus vaccine, a slam-dunk treatment for COVID, the November elections. But the ones more on my mind are the short-term things. Next week our district decides what to do about school in September. Next week my mom has back surgery. Next week my family gets COVID tested so we can hopefully have a visit with some friends also getting tested.
Lots going on next week. The anticipatory anxiety is killing me this week. It feels like a wire inside me pulled so taut it hums with the stress. I want it to snap, to relax, but at the same time it feels like the only thing keeping me from falling to pieces. Anticipatory anxiety sucks.
We did go out this week—to the dentist. My daughter needed her checkup, and I am glad I decided to brave it and go because she has 4 cavities—2 in baby teeth, 2 in permanent teeth. Time for another lesson in brushing. In an odd juxtaposition, the Tooth Fairy also came this week, just a day or two before the dentist appointment.
So that’s where I am this week—playing the waiting game. Something’s coming. I guess I won’t know what that something is until it gets here. I hope it gets here soon, because the tension is draining me.
How about you? What are you waiting for? Something you’re worried about? Something you are excited for?