I’ve had headaches for most of the week. A lot of it is eye strain, I’ve been on the computer a whole lot lately. I always get eye strain from that. But a lot of it is stress, too.
I have a headache because yesterday my school district held its Board of Ed meeting to vote on the reopening plan we will submit to the state Department of Education for approval. Some parents were okay with it. Some were not. I can honestly say not one person is really happy about it. We all want things back to normal, but normal is not on the table this year. So we follow the guidelines and do the best we can, knowing that at any moment a directive can come down from above and change absolutely everything in the plan. I understand the issues people have. I hear them. But given the guidelines we have, this is the best we can do with the resources we have. My heart hurts for all of us.
I have a headache because my mother had back surgery Wednesday. I’ve been worried. Back surgery is always tricky. She came through it great, so far. If it wasn’t for COVID, I’d be going over to help get the house ready for her to come home. Maybe stay a few days to help out. But I can’t do that, and that squeezes my heart.
I have a headache because I have pandemic fatigue. Don’t we all? I am tired of being careful. Tired of thinking about it. Tired of tracking the numbers (going back up in my state, by the way). Tired of waiting for someone I love to get sick. Tired of keeping my kid home. Tired of never being alone. Tired of parenting 24/7. Tired of never, ever getting a break from any of it. Tired of seeing so much precious time with my parents missed, so much of my daughter’s irretrievable childhood slip away in pandemic limbo. My heart cries for all of us.
Maybe it’s not headaches after all.
Maybe it’s all heartache.
Stormy Weather – CoronaLife Day 145
We got hit by Tropical Storm Isaias on Monday night into Tuesday. It was not the worst storm to come through here, but we did lose power for 11 hours, and part of our fence came down. The fence will be relatively easy to fix (the nails just pulled out of the support post), and the power is back on. Thankfully the past couple of days have not been as dangerously hot as the past few weeks. Many in the area are still without power, with estimated times of return as late as Saturday. I hope they get it back sooner.
Inside my head was pretty stormy during the blackout, too. Everything had been building up on me and the blackout was the final straw. I retreated to my room for a good cry. After a cathartic amount of wallowing in “life sucks” and “I’m a failure at everything,” I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and went back downstairs. I’m still a bit fried today, but pushing onward.
The hard thing is trying to figure out how to shake this all off and get back to something that feels more like “me”. So much is out of my control, and the things I do control I seem incapable of controlling. I think I just need to pick something and do it. When I used to travel to VA from NJ once a month, packing myself and my then-infant up, there was always a moment when I felt so completely overwhelmed with packing I would just stand in the middle of the room, paralyzed. The only way to overcome it was to just do something. Anything. Just start with one thing, complete it, and move on to the next. Maybe that’s the key here. Life can feel overwhelming. So I should just pick one thing, even a small thing, and get it done.
On the good news side, I am happy that my mother’s back surgery went well and she is a week post-op today. She is recovering nicely and keeping my dad hopping with chores to do. I wish I could go over to visit, but the coronavirus makes that dicey, especially as cases are rising in both our areas.
I have no idea how much longer all this will last. It will be on the order of months, for certain. I am rather surprised it took me 5 months to reach a crash point. If I last another 5 months before the next crash, it will be January 2021, and hopefully the new year will be a new direction for all of us, and we may see light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope everyone impacted by Isaias is recovering, and that power is restored soon. We all could use some light in the darkness about now.